High school crush

2 days ago a song pop up in my head -

Felix Agus's "Aku Pencintamu"

Memories coming back to me.

Every evening during those days I will sit on the staircase in front of the surau, watching you and your rugby team come back from training, entering the dining hall and have your dinner.

Then after prayer, there's a ritual of shaking hands off all male students before going to line up to go to study prep, I remember that every time when it's our turn, you took more time than others to let my hand go(maybe I was delusional, maybe not).

I still remember that my heart thumping so fast every time we passed each other at the school hallway. I miss that feeling.

Remember one time you borrowed my small portable radio (the one that need to plug with headphone, size of two thumbs), I was so happy and guess what, I still keep it as in remembering that we once shared a thing (stupid as it sound but yeaa, anything can do).

The other moment is one time after the tiring sports day, that night you laid down beside me and your head touch a bit on part of my body, I was sooo happy and wish time to stop at that time. 😢

I miss you, wish I could turn to that time again so that I could confess my feelings towards you, and even if you rejected me, I wouldn't have live this kind of miserable life right now. 

M.C.O

And..... Movement control order again.. 

I hope there is no delay in all my business..

There's many thing I wanna do - holiday with the girls, move to new house, get a new partner and pets etc etc.

Sighhhhhh 😩

Wish covid weren't real. 

Dew

So today I watched this Thai BL movie, Dew..

The atmosphere, the theme, the plot, reminds me to our friendship when we was in Perlis.

But nothing we can do, the law and our culture forbids us to be what we wanna be. 

We pretend that the feeling was not real, but it is.. 

Then we both moving on with our life, however deep inside I'm still loving you. 

Good movie BTW, you guys should watch it. 

Watch the trailer here : DEW

2020

 Heyyyyyyyy everyone. 

It's been 7 years after my last post. 

Many things happened, heart gets broken, people die, work my ass of pursuing my degree, depressions, jumping off careers, and voila!

2020! 

*I'll start writing again after this as now I have no one to talk to.

As FYI, now I'm still single, no partner, either man or woman...

I tried both (be straight and gay, even bi) these past 7 years and it seems that relationship never work for me.

Still in contact with Bebe, Wawa, Asrill and the rest of Chaingang. Also PONDOKERS, but not that active like when we was in our 20's.

Many got married, except Bebe dan Wawa, high price yalssss...

Well kinda frustrated when Asrill said he wants to get married.

We only closed as best friend but I never thought he gonna choose the 'typical malay' way of life put upon him.

Heyyyyy be single la better.. 

Work is good for me.

2013 = Not a good year that's why I stop writing.

2014 - 2016 = Relax year

2016 - 2019 = My recessions and depressions and torture year

2020 = Happy with my work but Covid ruined everything. 

I'm actively ruining men and women hearts, it's not because they bad to me, but I hate commitments. 

I'm so so sorry. I really don't know what I want actually in a relationship.

Ok maybe I need to be pamper, throw ya money at me, or anything that is not 'typical malay' kind of relationship.

Ok that's all my bebelan for today. Glad my blogspot account still accessible. And to all my exes before 2013, my number still the same. And it was not me, it was ya'll mistakes. Go die.